I know, even the
mention of the “C” word, whilst Halloween is still fresh in our minds, and the
sound of fireworks begins to fill the air, is a cardinal sin (and believe me I
don’t normally like to even think about it myself until at least December the 1st),
but seeing Christmas all of a sudden “appear” in the shops has reminded me of a
book I read during the summer, “The Woman who Went to Bed for a Year” by the
brilliant Sue Townsend. Now, whilst I
did enjoy the book, and could relate to much of the witty social commentary and
humour (with which it’s bursting) I did find it got a tad ridiculous towards
the end (although some might say this is part of its appeal). The book is hilarious in parts, but also
takes a poignant look at modern family life, and the sometimes unbearable
pressures and expectations placed on the modern family woman. Not least, in the lead up to the festive season.
 |
| Great book, well worth a read. |
So, whether or
not this inspires you to go out and buy the book, I did want to share with you
a few paragraphs about the annual ordeal that the main character, Eva, endures in order to prepare Christmas for her family. Eva
has gone to bed for a year (as you do) and is handing over the responsibility
of preparing for Christmas to her bemused husband, Brian...
“On the evening of 19th
December, Brian asked Eva, “What are we doing for Christmas?”
Eva said “I’ll be doing nothing at all.”
Brian looked shocked. “Do you want me to
tell you how to do Christmas, Brian?”
“I suppose so.”
Eva advised him,
“You may want to take notes.””
And
so, Eva begins...
“You’ll find the Christmas Card list in
the bureau, together with stamps and unused cards from last year. Write them
tonight before you go to bed, and post them tomorrow. After work tomorrow, drive around garden centres
and garage forecourts looking for Christmas trees. In your mind’s eye you are seeing a perfect
tree, lushly green and aromatic, rounded at the bottom and rising in
ever-decreasing circles until topped with a single branch. However, there are no such trees. At 9pm the
day before Christmas Eve, just as Homebase is closing, you will panic and push
through the doors and snatch the nearest tree. Do not be too disappointed when
you end up with a tree a social worker might describe as ‘failing to thrive’.”
Go to local butcher, order a turkey.
Watch him laugh in your face. Go to supermarket, try to order a turkey. Leave
to the sound of laughter from the poultry department. Buy ten tins of Quality
Street for fifty quid. Decide how much to spend on distant or near relations,
trawl round shops, ignore present list and make ludicrous impulse buys. Arrive home, unload presents and immediately
suffer buyer’s remorse. Take everything back the next day and buy twenty-seven
pairs of red fleece socks with reindeer motif.
Go online, order latest technical must –have gadgets, find that there
are none left in the country. Go late-night shopping to buy Christmas outfit
for self.
Snatch a few hours sleep before driving
to Marks & Spencer to join a queue. Reach tenth position in queue to hear
“dressed turkeys gone”. No choice but to buy undressed turkey. Return home and,
through fog of anxiety and sleep deprivation, unpack turkey and leave on
kitchen table.
Drag stepladder up cellar stairs,
untangle fairy lights, drape along picture rails, starting with artistic plan
in head, end with fairy lights thrown over any ledge or surface. Bulbs go. Search for replacements.
Do
not throw away horrible papier-mâché bells or
similar cack-handed ornaments. The
children made them in infant school.
Go
into kitchen and find cat mauling turkey’s head, undressed turkey’s eyes
expressing woes of world.
Brian interjected, panicking now, “How
can one person possibly deal with all those different components?”
But Eva couldn’t stop.
Cook Christmas dinner, almost collapse
after assembling food on table. Drink too much, ask for help washing up,
everyone says “later”. Eat half tin of
Quality Street. Prepare supper. Drink self into stupor. Feel sick from Quality
Street and vodka, go to bed.”
Any of that
sound familiar? Of course most of us say
the same every year “never again”, “next year I’m going to make it simpler (and cheaper)”,
but if you’re anything like me, you’ll put every last ounce of effort you have
(and every last penny) into making Christmas magical for your family, thoroughly
exhausting yourself in the process.
Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love Christmas but surely there’s got
to be an easier (less expensive) way?!
So far, I haven’t found one, but if I do, I’ll post it right here.
Happy Christmas planning ladies!
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